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Sunday, July 05, 2009
Random nothing. I'm still wide awake at 3 am and only Twitter stays loyal to me! Hakz! Lately, I've been having difficulty sleeping and have been too dependant on my medicine to put me to sleep. Insomnia much? Lols. I had the intention to type a super long entry initially just to make me sleepy but I change my mind because I'm rather blank now. As I'm typing this I recalled the two humongous Angmoh girls ( Yes, I really mean huge like 85-100 kg and not chubby or voluptuous though size issues are subjective Lols) in tubes and hotpants that I saw justnow at Tampines Interchange. Yes I am ENVIOUS. It sets me thinking how some people could still lift their heads up high and feel great despite the disgusted stares and filthy comments they received. Oblivious or confidence, in both ways I adore. Undenialby, criticisms have been a part of my life. YES. I live with it. I used to cry myself to sleep each and everytime someone criticised me, be it pertaining to my weight, appearance, academic performance, sports performance, family, BGR etc. Yes, I wasn't as fortunately as some to be born and grow up beautiful. I was always the fat ugly duckling everywhere I went. To add salt to the wound, I wasn't blessed with a proper family when I was young so there were more to be critisized about. I used to think that people are cruel. Those who compliment are even more cruel because they are hypocrites because I do not deserve to be compliment at. YES. And so I believed. But things started to change along the years and I become more optimistic and buoyant in one way or another when I learned that there are sincere and genuine people out there, those whom you label them as Friends...true friends. So friends are the ones who accepts you for who you are, supportive in whatever you do, compliments you and finds you attractive even during your ugliest, grotesque moments. And so I believed. Fot at least it earned me some gratification in one way or another. But along the way, shit happened. The circle of friends that had always complimented and supported me in every way turned out not so genuine afterall. Fuckheads! So friends who compliments you are not true then. And so I believed. Yet again, I had to re-adjust. So friends who critisise you are those whom you should trust and appreciate because they are true and not hypocrites. They make you into a better person because then you will realise your flaws and thus upgrade youself and so I believed. So lately I've been receiving countless criticisms regarding my weight from these people called friends. Alot mind you. Things like "Ehhhh...kau nye weight gain drastic siak!!! GEMOK!", "Eh Mah gambar baru kau aku tgk makin montel ekh? ape jadi?", "Muke kau makin bulat eh especially ngan fringe kau mcm gini", "Pergi excercise lah! GENDUT siak!"....and so on... So Imma being Imma will be solemn by such remarks. Insecurities starts piling up. So what happens next? Imma started consulting in dearest Hubby. So what will be Hubby's reply? "Oh don't bother lah people will never stop commenting what. Most importantly is how I see you right sweety? Or perhaps your friends are ignorant towards your feelings or maybe they memang mcm gitu? Memang honest and direct?" And so I believed that they are honest and direct. So what happen next? Imma become direct too by voicing her thoughts and opinions to them regarding their flaws. And so what's next? THEY COULDNT FUCKING ACCEPT IT! WHY? I THOUGHT YOU ARE OPEN AND DIRECT? SO WHY CANT YOU ACCEPT MY FUCKING OPINION NOW???? And how ironic that those who commented on my flaws are those whom are either Obese themselves or have multiple flaws like body ordour, dirty, acne-prone skin, yellow teeth, thunder tighs or whatever flaws you can think of. Oh what a pity to be Delusional. Its really sad that the ones blessed with looks are the humble friends and the ones who are less fortunate are the ones posting crude remarks about you. If so it was meant to be a joke and that I shouln't take it too hard on myself why can't you accept my JOKE too? And so I've said it. Apologies if this entry is such a pain in your arse. This is my blog my say. And if there are too many gramatical errors and that its too Singlish for your oh-so-perfect-oxford-English eyes to bear then thats just your bad, I only managed to obtain a B3 for my GP not A1 spare me some leniency oh you fucking smart people. Anyways, I don't fucking care just go and scrub your face with chlorox. If it works, then lucky you!. Oh great...this entry does make me sleepy afterall...=D Peace out! |
